A Daughter's Confessions

It is Mother's Day. I am in Los Angeles. My mom is in Indiana. Since I left home my freshman year of college, we have rarely spent this holiday together. I always call and post a photo, but now I have this space of heart outpourings, and so, today it must be said just how incredibly lucky I feel to have been gifted the woman I so gratefully call my Mom. To her, this public love letter.

Deer Mom,

The words, 'thank you,' just don't seem to carry near the weight of the endless amount of gratitude I hold for you in my heart. But thank you. Thank you for having the courage to raise two daughters with scorpio moons. That couldn't have been easy! Thank you for having the courage to leave something you didn't believe in, but maintaining love and forgiveness in your heart. Thank you for having the courage to live, just the three of us, in that trailer that tipped far out in the country, deep in the woods. That must have been so scary. Thank you for setting this tremendously brave example. I probably didn't think much of it then, but I do now. Thank you for choosing a love that would support all of us so beautifully, a love that allowed for our elevation. I may not have found that for myself yet, but I sure as shit have been witness to it, and won't settle until I do. Thank you for holding your high standards that at times felt impossible, but I know now that anything is actually possible. Thank you for never allowing me to feel sorry for myself - I learned perspective from you, and now I count my blessings every single day. Thank you for allowing me to always go my own way, even though you may have held alternative ideas as to the direction. And when I call to cry about how difficult the path is, thank you for reminding me that I chose it. The path of least resistance has never been my thing, has it? Thank you for answering all the phone calls, even when you were dead asleep. Thank you for the countless times you caught your falling girl - for those times you watched your flying girl with pride in your eyes. I hope I always make you proud. Thank you for the constant, unwavering, steadfast, uninterrupted presence that you, and only you, have provided in this extraordinary life, that also thanks to you I've been so, so very fortunate to inhabit.

And Mom, thank you for always keeping the light on. The uncertainty in my life must be somewhat unsettling for you. I'm sure you would feel much better if I had more security in almost all of the aspects - if I had someone else to call for directions if a woman hits my car with her door then picks a fight, if I had someone else to check in on me or to come home to. But just know that it was you that gave me everything I need to navigate, and although it is you I feel safe enough to call to fall apart, when we hang up, I rise.

It is you who showed me how.

Thank you, from the bottom of everything, for all that you have done and continue to do. When I am being a total shit, please come back here to read the way I truly feel now and forever.

I love you.

Happy Mother's Day