Starve the Wound, Feed the Soul; the Brokenhearted Series
Part II of the broken heart series involves invitation. Now I don't claim to be an expert. I have studied natural healing and yoga for five years now, as well as suffered through more than a few beastly breakups. True, I have knowledge and experience, but language such as "what you should do/ should not do," will never be part of my dialect. Ugh, the word "should" makes my skin crawl. Your process is yours alone. I can't tell you what will work and what won't. This is your sovereign journey. So please interpret the following information as invitation. It is what I believe, after having had the experience and the education specific to me, to be the most helpful.
It is far more difficult, in this day and age to let go. Back in the good ol' days, when you broke up, that was it, really - you didn't see that person again. Now, with social media, you have a choice. You can either establish some kind of superhuman willpower and vow to never do any kind of "looking." Or, you can, if you're the masochistic type, see about as much as you'd like as often as you like. This is something I could never do. Yes, it is hard, but it always hurt too much to see my ex's living a life that didn't include me. Have I peeped? Sure, I'm human and the possibility is there, and alcohol is as well, so I have gone down that rabbit hole, but let me tell you - I would have been far better off had I not. So for the most part, I don't go. What helps is this. Unfollow as much as you can. If they are private on IG, you are golden. If they are not, the temptation is always there. I've even gone so far as asking my ex to block me. He didn't. But I've mastered a few techniques that have prevented this kind of self-sabotage. Each time I think of pressing the button, I pause and ask myself, "is this going to serve or thwart my healing process?" We all know the obvious answer. I silently send them love, if you can believe it, then go to my own page instead. I love what social media has done for global connection, but it can also be totally evil, and that is a whole blog on its own. With everything we do, there must be consciousness to it. Before you click, just take a second to investigate your intention behind it. Is it positive or damaging? There will come a time when seeing them and the lives they choose to live without you won't have an effect. You won't even think to cyber stalk, and on that day you will know your own recovery - your heart healed. It doesn't bother some people. They can look, put the phone down and carry on. I am not this person. The choice is yours, but the more you expose yourself to your past, the harder it will be to move into your future. I hate that we have this hurdle on top of the heartbreak, but there is no escaping what is. It is just one more brick in the wall of why I struggle in this world, today, but acceptance is survival.
Second hurdle - alcohol. As mentioned above, making the decision to hurt rather than help myself, almost 100% of the time involves alcohol. If you drink, you are going to want to drink now more than ever. If you don't, you might consider doing so at this juncture. Don't. I mean, I invite you to not, for now. I am far from calling myself a non-drinker. Things at present though, are changing drastically. This is what I have to say on alcohol. Our society has totally fucked us all on the substance. We are so socially programmed to drink. And this too is another blog unto itself. After a breakup it is going to make sense to want to self -"medicate" in this manner, so by all means if that is what you are feeling, go grab a seat at the bar. Go grab your best drinking buddies. Misery loves company! Get drunk, forget your ex, flirt with strangers, heck, hook up with them! F it all! The only problem is, is that this doesn't work - ever, and if you think it does, you are most likely lying to yourself. You will wake up in the morning even more broken and now you have a hangover to boot. Some leave relationships and this feels like freedom to them, but honestly this is someone who isn't actually in touch with themselves or their emotions or their truth - it is where you are on your path of self-actualization that will determine your condition on the surface. We think we are drinking to numb our pain. Truthfully we are doing the opposite. Numbing is escape, and running away, I'm sorry, just isn't the answer. Also, it is a cowardly. Yes, I know the blog before I was all about being gentle on you, and I still hold to that, but be sure you don't fall into victimhood here. Poor me, my heart hurts, he/she broke me, now I need to drink every night just to get through. Nope. Now you are a victim. And that, again, is your choice. Feel the pain, remember? Be nice to it! It is a gift! If it weren't for the dark sky where would we hang the stars? It is the difficult times that make the good times so good! If we swam in a sea of bliss, what would bliss even be? And the thing is, the alcohol is only going to extend the grieving process. You might still get through eventually, but now you've aged your body internally and externally - done real, physical harm to yourself, and if you're out of your 20s then it will all show, and I just don't feel like its worth robbing you of your health and vibrancy to shed a failed relationship.
Did I drink after my break-ups? You bet your sweet ass I did. A lot and often. This last one in particular. We were drinkers. We had a lot of "fun." Too much. To be honest, alcohol was probably a big player in our demise. Every single terrible episode we endured, heart-wrenching fights, the most devastating nights of my life, all shared one common factor - booze. And I have spent a good deal of time thinking I could drink my heartache away. Sure it was fun at the time, but then I would go home, alone or not, feeling worse. It would make me miss him more. I never once made the mistake of calling him while sober. Neither did he. We took turns damaging one another after a night of drinking. Reaching out because we missed one another and it was the alcohol that gave us the "courage" to do so. This is a very real thing. Some people only feel confident enough to express themselves after they've had a few. Not me. I'll express myself truly and completely anytime and anywhere, it doesn't matter if I'm drunk or not. The difference is, is that being sad and drunk is never a good space to try and communicate love. I would call to seek answers I didn't need and mostly be met with voicemail. He would call and I would answer, and listen to the confessional confusing it with the truth, but would never hear from him again, leaving my wound gaping. Acts of violence on both our parts.
I found the more time I spent not drinking the less I missed us. (A book I am reading that is changing the relationship I have with alcohol, and I find to be immensely powerful is This Naked Mind. This is healing. Feed your soul. I invite you to go to yoga, read books on love and relationships, on healing, listen to people speak on the subject, do research, cultivate healthy practices, create art, take classes. Use this time to grow rather than digress. You owe it to your very brief existence to do so. Find out where you fell/fall short in relationships. Two that I highly recommend are Getting the Love You Want , which is a guide for couples, so if you are in a relationship this is your new Bible, and if you are out of, well this will explain so much as to why the last one may have failed. I know that I have seen the light after reading this and my future relationships will reap the benefits. Another one I love is The Way of the Superior Man, a guide for men, but is a must read for all women seeking spiritual, conscious partnership with an embodied man.
I encourage you to take responsibility for your growth. Don't linger in the "poor me" place for too long. The beauty of this life is that we hold the power - the key to our own happiness. You can decide and life will support you in that decision. Choose to be broken, angry, sad, and that is what life will give you each and every day until you decide you'd like to live differently.
Choose gratitude, love, compassion, healing, and life will beautifully comply.
You have all of the tools at your disposal. There are activities and people that surround you constantly that will either lift you up or drag you down. Simply, choose.
I know what I choose now. It wasn't easy. I know very well how to suffer. It is a familiar place. But like the lobster outgrows its shell over and over, so too must we continue shed our old skin. That is, if higher ground, if growth is what we are seeking.
The choice, deer one, is yours to make.
"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you."
Links to the books that I recommended above are here as well. These are affiliate links, but I don't endorse anything that I don't fully and deeply approve of. I hope that they change your life in the incredibly positive way they have changed mine.