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Deer Diary, Yesterday I Ate Glass

Deer Diary,

Yesterday was quite possibly one of the worst days I've had in a long time. It wasn't that one terrible thing happened, it was one negative event after another the entire day. As soon as I woke up, my 16 yr old Pomeranian, Mr. Jones, peed the bed (a rarity, but it happens the older he gets). I put him down and he demanded breakfast. I stripped the bed, er air mattress (yes, I've been sleeping on one for 3 months now, but really its lovely) , fed his Highness, and took the bedding down to be laundered in the basement of my building where the washing machine app charged me twice for one load. I returned to my apartment and checked my phone which had a notification that read someone had hacked into my accounts and I needed to download a security app immediately. This sounded plausible to my gullible tech unsavvy brain, so I did. (I know, I know!) . Then my laptop popped up with a notification that someone in Toronto was trying to log in using my password. I pressed "don't allow," but when I went to change my password, my old password wasn't working, so I called Apple Support. She led me through the steps to fix the situation, advised me to wipe my cell phone history clean, and get rid of the "security" app that was most definitely not from Apple. The Apple Support Team must roll their eyes a million times a day right?

So that was my morning. I decided it was time to put food in my apartment so off to Whole Foods I walked. People who know me know that I struggle with the WF's situation, and grocery stores in general give me anxiety and I will wait until I'm on my last calorie and have been eating popcorn for dinner for a week sometimes before I make a trip. This one went well. I bought all of the extras I've denied myself since relocating to LA and not securing a steady flow of income, things like tea and preserves. I called my mom on my walk home from the store as I usually do to tell someone of my success, but this time I was telling her how this day has been trouble. As I was unloading my bag of groceries and speaking to her, the bag fell off the counter and the bottle of rice vinegar shattered along with the bottom of the blueberry preserves bottle. Vinegar everywhere. Glass, tiny shards, everywhere. Glass traveled the expanse of the loft I am occupying. I was in disbelief. And my dog kept trying to figure out what had happened, and wouldn't get out of the way and out of the glass, so I had to keep yelling at him to back off, which he hates and doesn't understand because he is a rescue and yelling at him scars him for days, so I also had to deal with his neurosis at the same time.

I was just trying to treat myself, you know, with the preserves, that provide zero nutritional value but are so delicious on crackers with peanut butter for a pre-workout boost, you know?! I felt I could save it. I transferred the precious fruit spread to another container. After the hour it took to clean up it was almost time for yoga, so I made myself a damn cracker, but when I began to chew I realized, it was not okay to just transfer - I was now eating glass. In my panic I swallowed. I knew that this couldn't be good so of course I called my mom again. She thought it might be okay if the pieces were tiny enough, but to eat something else to coat my internal organs. HA!

I did what I could and in now what I would call shock, I walked to get a coffee before class. I tried a new place, because I always go to the same, and it was total shit, and I cursed myself for deviating. As I opened the door of the coffeeshop to exit, I dropped my phone from about four feet up and it landed flat on its face on the downtown LA sidewalk, which if you lived here you'd know contains a lot more than concrete, as all of the people waiting for the approaching bus watched. It made that really loud sound, you know it. I didn't pick it up right away, I just stared at it, then at the people. I'm not sure what my expression was, but their collective feedback was that it must have been one of utter despair. I picked it up out of the questionable liquid substance sidewalk coating to find that somehow, it survived. The bus stop was relieved.

I decided that it was no longer safe for me and I would retire to my yoga mat and take every class until they closed. I made it to my mat and got directly into child's pose to submit, completely, to the universe. As I heard the teacher's voice, I realized it was the teacher I couldn't stand. That's harsh I know. As a yoga teacher I have very high standards, and there are things that really bother me about yoga teachers, namely their egos, and the way they feel entitled to tell you what your anatomy should look like. She was one of those, and always tried to correct my narrow, fairly restricted hips as I glare at her in the mirror, and refuse to move, hoping she feels my get away from me vibe and leaves me alone. She doesn't. Well of course it was this teacher teaching this class. And you can bet your ass she tried to correct my hips, and you can put money on my death stare in the mirror. The class ended and I went to the front desk to tell them I was staying for the next class, which was a Yoga Sculpt class. Guess who was teaching...

Back to back classes.

Because it was more of a fitness class it wasn't so terrible. I got home safely. Walked my dog, but picked him up any time things felt dicey because I didn't trust the day, and the ultimate would be the unspeakable, so...

I turned off the lights, got into bed, ready to end the day from hell, and wouldn't you know the apartment next door decided to host a Wednesday night rave where they tested the highest levels of bass ability for hours. At this point I was laughing. Finally it subsided around 1:30am when my pup threw up on the newly washed bedding.

A perfect and fitting end.

Spiritually speaking these past 3 weeks are potentially the most negative window of time, so if you have struggled, like me, a lot lately, know that it is something far bigger than your karma at work. This Sunday is the last day, and things will lighten up. Fingers crossed. I needed to record this no good, terrible day to not only remember that I survived it, but also to share it. We are surrounded by so much fake shit, and shiny lives that appear to be perfect that it can it can injure our self-esteem. Here is proof. If you follow my IG and it looks dreamy and magical, that is because it is my magazine, my art, and I am intentional about it's aesthetics, and it's message.

There is a time to be real, to connect, to be vulnerable, and remind others that life is not always pretty, but we get by and we do our best, and we treat one another with kindness and compassion always, because we have no idea what kind of day, or life circumstance, or struggle or pain or loss every single one of us is experiencing in each moment.

And what might seem like a very "bad" day to some, would be a dream for someone else, so...

Be grateful.

Mama said there'd be days like this...