Deer Diary, I'll Be Alone For Christmas
A first, it's true. Me. The lady who lives for the holidays will spend them alone, well, with Mr. Jones, my angel pup, my little gift that keeps on giving of course. I awoke this morning with the thought that perhaps I'm not the only one. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm the only one that does this kind of shit. Shit being, moves alone at 37, across the country to a new place without a real reason or people, aside from my deer best friend and her brand new baby, and actually he may very well have been "the reason." I wanted to go home to Indiana. I wanted to go back to NYC. I wanted to go back to Portland, Maine. I watched ticket prices rise for months, but never pulled the trigger. I needed to force myself to be - here - in LA, alone. I'm too fragile right now, too homesick. If I were to go back, it would be nearly impossible for me to ever return. And I believe in LA. Don't get me wrong, it is not that I am trying to torture myself by staying somewhere that hasn't yet felt all the way right. I believe that I was called here, and I know that I cannot bail until I have given it its fair shot. It would be unfair to compare it to a place that I lived for ten years, let alone the greatest city in the world. I left it for very valid reasons, and am just following instructions. Internal guides.
So here I am.
On the off chance that I'm NOT the only one, I wanted to write about how I am going to navigate it. I've always felt that the holidays were total magic. I've often floated above the chaos, the commercialism, the stress and anxiety, but I do acknowledge that it exists - I can see and sense that from people, especially now that I teach yoga. Let me tell you, even in La La Land, people can feel heavy this time of year. These are people with family and friends and support, all of which could be additional stressors, right? I will do my best to help them on their mats, move through the holiday angst, but what about those who don't have all of that around, who don't look at that as freedom the way some of those surrounded by family may see it. I don't see it that way. I'd rather be with my family and friends, but this isn't the reality. It is not what is, and as a yogi, I must live my best within what - is. So for those feeling the holiday blues, the loners, those spending the holiday with their sweet pets only - this is for you my deers.
I got pretty down around Thanksgiving. I lost a big client and a beautiful boy that I really liked (and I don't like anyone) all in the same week. The boy didn't pass, he just passed on a relationship with me (for very understandable reasons, this isn't meant to vilify him), but nonetheless, it sucked. I've also not talked to my only sister for what will be one year this coming Christmas Eve. This has caused stress between my Mom and myself, and we had a huge fight that ended with my having what was as close as I can imagine to a nervous breakdown on Wilshire Blvd on Thanksgiving Day. I started to feel very sorry for myself, but it didn't last long.
I took a very deep look within, and found that warrior girl, and we got busy being better.
I went back to my books, my guides, my mat. I reconnected to source. How easy we come unplugged. Even though I've been sad and sometimes very lonely here in LA, I have always felt grateful to be here, and that is where I started. With gratitude. With what I DID have. I looked all around my life and saw it for what it was. I have a roof, I have a bed (a glorious bed!), I have food, and a 17 yr old Pomeranian that thinks I hung the moon. I have my voice, my art, my deep desire to create and tell stories, and live a story that people will want to read, or connect to, or be inspired by. I still look through my childlike eyes and see the wonder of just being alive. I have my students, my students! How they give back to me. I have my friends that call and check in and keep connected and hold hilarious conversations with via text that go on for days and they mean everything to me. Yes, deer lonely reader, I know that if you too took a clear look at all of the things you have, you will see how very rich and full - filled you are without all of the things that society has tricked you into thinking you need to be so.
Choose to recognize all of THAT each morning, and live the day in sweet gratitude and assurance that you are exactly where you are meant to be. It doesn't look like any of the other places your friends or family are occupying, but it is yours and it is beautiful, and it is your duty to honor it precisely for where it is.
Believe me, when you do this, the world will embrace you with eager arms. Last weekend I came across messengers each day in the most random places, but it was so obvious the Universe sent them. I met an artist at the Rose Bowl Flea, who amongst all the people flipping out over his insane work, chose to speak with me. He could SEE me. Told me that I was an artist, that it was my job to beautify my life - that I was an ambassador of beauty. He knew that I wrote poetry, could tell that I was a storyteller, and when he shared a photography technique with me, I showed him how I had used the very same. An angel sent to re-spark my fire. Turned out he was the father of a woman I've met and actually hung out with a few times. He gifted me four of his prints and I walked away from his booth with tears in my eyes and electricity in my veins.
December has been my month of YES, and it has been filled with magic. Sure, it still hurts my heart to miss out on my family this year. But we loners must find a way to celebrate this unique space and time. It won't always be this way. Next year will be different. Beautify it. I've hung lights around my big kitchen window, my perch. I have a darling mini tree. I play classical Christmas music each morning as I drink my coffee and look out of said window. I'm slowly making my way through all of my favorite Christmas movies. I go to holiday parties and make lovely connections. Go do all of the things that you would do with others, alone. I made a list of all of the sights and lights I want to see here in LA. Did I mention I am an 8 yr old trapped inside what will soon be, on January 1st, a 38 yr old's body? Don't let being alone on Christmas diminish the enchantment that is always there, if we want to acknowledge it or not, that's up to us. Tonight I will take myself to Moscow Ballet's Great Russian Nutcracker.
I cannot tell you how excited I am about this!
Date night... Date yourself. Date your life.
Look, some years you will take yourself to the ballet, you will wake up on Christmas morning alone, you will miss your family and friends and home and snow and Rockefeller Center, but that is only because you were so lucky to have had that, and now what you have looks different, but it is no less beautiful.
So if the magic isn't offering itself up to you at every turn, go create it for yourself. You owe it to you, it's Christmas after all.
With the warmest wishes of love and light and abundance,
If only in my dreams, Mama...
Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself.